


Confidentiality of the Heart

by Inarikurenai



Category: Mass Effect (Comics), Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect - Various Authors, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Acceptance, Emotional Hurt, Fantasy, Friendship, Gen, Jealousy, One True Pairing, One-Sided Attraction, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:02:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28682244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inarikurenai/pseuds/Inarikurenai
Summary: Love is the medicine for all pain but, the pain because of love has no medicine.
Relationships: Karin Chakwas & Ashley Williams, Karin Chakwas & Male Shepard, Male Shepard/Ashley Williams
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

Have you ever read those romance novels where the soldier and nurse fell in love? You know the ones; where the naïve and handsome soldier was injured in a major battle for some terrible but just war, and was transferred to a hospital far from the fight. While recuperating, he met the idealistic and sometimes annoyingly stubborn nurse who patched him up. Of course when they finally came to terms with their feelings, the soldier was to be ship out to the front lines. You know, to build drama and all that nonsense. Then, at the end of the war, when all thought he was deceased, he returned to her and asked for her hand in marriage.

Doctor Karin Chakwas knew all of those types of novels to heart and could probably recite a few from memory alone. You could say it was her guilty pleasure. That's why, embarrassingly as it was to admit, it was the main reason why she joined the military.

You see, those stories inspired her to experience her own exotic and romantic adventure, hoping to find her own rough, but kindhearted soldier along the way. Unfortunately, the Alliance was not as romantic as she had originally perceived it to be. From the liberation of Shanxi to the Skyllian Blitz, she saw firsthand what conflicts do to those kindhearted soldiers she used to desire. Those she was able to save were broken physically or mentally and in the extreme cases, both. The lucky few that were either unscathed or unfazed from the dastardly truth of combat, left her alone without even uttering a goodbye. So she grew up, focusing more on her skills as a doctor and her career.

But that was before she had met _him_. Before she met Shepard.

If Karin was being honest, she does not know when exactly her feelings blossomed for the Commander. Perhaps it was during the time when he saved the galaxy from the hands of Saren and the Reapers' annihilation. It could have also been before then, when they lost Kaiden on Virmire and he desperately needed a shoulder to cry on and she granted him hers. Hell, it could have been when he first introduced himself to her as far as she knew. She probably would never know when exactly she became head over heels for her commanding officer, but she does know why though.

For you see, Commander Shepard had accomplished what others before him did not. He came back to her. She knew how ridiculously simple that sounded, but the act, as simple as it was, charmed her. She had seen many possible lovers gone without even sparing a passing glance at her. They do not even send her a courtesy email after sharing a passionate night. Shepard was different, completely unlike those mistakes before him.

Even now, as they do their final preparations to assault the Collector's base, he still made time to visit her abode to see how she was faring. Can you believe that? Facing constant absurd odds, staring unflinchingly at deadly foes—who wants nothing more than to tear you apart—and what was the first thing he does when he returned from a mission? He headed straight to her little spot on the Normandy to converse with her. It would be hard for anyone _not_ to feel something at these acts.

But alas, she knew it was not made to be. Not only was the doctor old enough to be the Commander's own mother, but she also knew he was quite entangled with a former crewmate of theirs; the hot-tempered Ashley Williams. She had seen the look that donned his face whenever the chief was to be mentioned around him. Hurt for she had not believed his words on Horizon, then whimsical for remembering the short time they had shared, and finally happiness for he was still in love with the female marine.

Karin wished them the best of luck with their relationship and hoped they would mend their differences soon. She truly meant that. They are an adorable couple and she could already hear the wedding bells ringing for them. She just wished that the naïve and jealous woman in her that yearned for their type of relationship did not bring its ugly head back as it did.

She wished she did not feel the butterflies that run amok in her gut every time she saw him walk by. She despised that she cannot ignore her own fluttering heart when they exchange just simple pleasantries to one another. She hated the thrill and excitement that runs through her veins when they share the slightest of touch. Worst of all, she loathed her own carnal cravings that demanded her to shove him onto her operating table and grant him a crash course in anatomy when they were alone.

As one could guess, she had it quite bad for the marine. With all that being said, Karin Chakwas was a sixty year-old adult. Accepting hard truths and controlling one urges came into the territory of being one. That was why she made sure to savor memorable moments, like the one she was currently having, with great fervor.

The doctor rested her chin in the palm of her hand, taking a tiny sip of her Serrice Ice brandy. She still could not believe he had searched the entire Citadel to find the same bottle she had lost when the first Normandy was destroyed. Then again, she should not be _so_ surprised. This was the man that took her heart after all.

She listened intently as he regaled a humorous tale of his many adventures as a marine. A smile snuck their way onto her lips as she watched him spilled a drop of the brandy onto his shirt from how animated he was.

_Poor shirt; the stain will never come out, s_ he thought amusingly.

The doctor glanced at her own drink and noticed how little of the delicious alcohol was left. Just like how little time they have left together. She finished the rest of her drink with quickness and solemnly placed the empty glass on the desk.

They will soon dive head first into hell once EDI gets the Reaper's IFF working. It would be the moment of no return, and no doubt many of the crew would perish from the suicide mission. As stereotypical as it was, she was more afraid of dying than losing any of the crew. Dying without saying her feelings to the man that made her feel so alive and young. She cannot help but to chuckle at the thought. It was truly ending up like one of her novels.

"Shepard." She called out, staring lovingly at his gorgeous ocean blue eyes.

"Yes?" He had a lopsided grin on his face, a tale of him being tipsy.

"I just want to say that, it has been an honor serving with your Command-" She stopped, shaking her head. If she was going to confess, then she matters as well go all the way and refer to him by his given name.

"I want to say that it has been an honor serving with you _John_."

His name was like the most delectable taste upon her tongue. How she hungered to scream it as he devoured her entire being. 

"We have laughed, cried, and fought through so many difficult trials together. You are the rock that makes my life stable. You are the hope that fills my body when going against the unknown odds we face. No matter what may happen to us once we pass through the Omega-Four relay, I want you to know that I deeply cherish the friendship we have. And that I…" Gosh was she blushing? Her cheeks felt hot as if she was. "That I love you, John."

He seemed caught off guard by her sudden serious tone and declaration. It seemed to have sobered him up in fact. He placed his drink next to her empty glass and then placed a hand on top of hers. The simple touch of his callous ridden hand sent shivers of pleasure down her spine. Oh how she fantasized those hands exploring her body; taking their sweet time discovering all her sensitive spots.

"I love you too Chakwa- '' He shook his head, letting out a short laugh. "I mean, I love you too _Karin_."

She had dreamt about him saying her name on so many occasions. Each of the fantasies he roared it with passion during a night of them given into their lust. 

"Our friendship is one that I also hold near and dear." He said with an irresistible smile that made her hot in the face as well as between her legs. "I may be the rock that keeps you stable, but you are the glue that keeps me together. Without you, there's no Normandy. Hell, without _you_ there's no _me_." He gave her a reassuring squeeze. "You are one of the best of friends a person could ever ask for."

She smiled back at him, trying desperately not to let a single tear escape. It hurts. It really hurts hearing those magical words she dreamed about on so many nights, to only be followed by that dreaded word; friend. The doctor knew such a reaction was coming, but it did not ease the killing blow in the slightest.

At least she said her piece. At least she told him how she _truly_ felt about him. At the end of the day, that was all one could really ask for, right? Heh, guess she will not get the guy at the end of this story.

He removed his hands from hers and she instantly missed the comforting warmth it brought. "Hey," John started refilling their glasses, "mind telling me that story about Jenkins and Kaiden again? The one where Jenkins asked LT to use him as a test dummy." He asked, sliding her drink towards her. "It's one of my favorites, and you tell it so well Karin."

She chuckled from his eagerness and accepted the glass. "Sure, John. It's one of my favorites as well." She took a sip of her brandy before retelling the story to him.

This was not the ending she had hoped for, but seeing him laugh at her story made her think maybe it was okay that it was not. While the young woman in her, who enlisted to find a man like John, was quite distraught from them not being in a relationship, the older wise woman in her was quite pleased for having a chance to be friends with a man like him. After all, life was not like a fairytale.


	2. Chapter 2

A woman with silver greyed hair licked her thumb before turning the page of her book. Call her old fashion but she loved the coarse feel of paper under her fingertips. In her opinion, it heightened the whole experience of reading rather than going through a digital copy on one's omni-tool. The corner of her lip was tugged upward from reading a funny passage, further defining the wrinkles and crow feet that came with age. The droning sound of cars driving by made the woman feel like she was back on the Normandy— hearing its engine purred when she slept. Chakwas will admit, reading in Presidium was more relaxing than she originally thought it to be. She felt right at home at the beating heart of the Citadel.

She would have to thank Liara for the lovely suggestion.

She reached for her cup, bringing it close to her thin lips. With her eyes closed, she took in the hypnotic aroma of her coffee—savoring the delectable scent. The doctor didn't like the beverage when she first joined the military. Too bitter for her taste. After serving in the Alliance for more than three decades, it grew on her. Now the doctor needed at least two cups of the additicing drink before she started her day. Though her crewmates looked at her weirdly for preferring the burnt sludge they served on a military vessel than those crafted by the hands of an underpaid barista on the Citadel.

She took a sip of her beverage, enjoying the warmth and the roasted taste it brought. She had about another hour before she needed to return to her meeting with the medical corporation. She was helping an old colleague of hers hash out a favorable contract that would help out the war effort against the Reapers for the Alliance.

She turned the page once more, focusing more on the passage she was reading. The doctor knew when the time came for the Reaper's dreaded return, it would be a hard and bloody war with untold amounts of death and destruction. Sad she didn't fully gasp at what that truly meant. Everyday, news of a planet lost or its entire population enslaved came through the extranet to the point many were just sanitized to the fact—considering it to be another day in the verse. Few and fewer soldiers return from the battlefields with each passing day—all wishing for an end to the war either by victory or extinction. If it weren't for John, she would probably gave up hope by now and accept the cold embrace of death the Reapers gifted to their foes. The fuzzy warmth feeling he brought was the only reason she kept trudging through the suicidal odds.

Chakwas bit her bottom lip, disappointed in herself. She had to stop thinking about the Commander in a romantic way. They were just friends. _Great_ friends but friends nonetheless. He had no feelings for her other than platonic and that of respect. She had accepted the facts about a year ago.

 _Yet you still hope_ , a voice nagged in the back of her mind.

She picked her drink up, downing the hot beverage in one gulp—scalding her tongue as she drowned the annoying little voice in her head. Chakwas was pleased to be friends with John. He was a great man. He had a bigger than life aura surrounding him yet he was still humble of his many accomplishments. A trait most do not have. She was proud to admit she loved him.

Loved him as a _friend_ , that is.

Putting the book down, she sighed. She just ruined her own pleasant mood. With a slight twitch of her right hand, her omni-tool sprung to life. She noticed it was about time for her to head back to the meeting.

"Doc, that you?"

She turned her head to the feminine voice. She smiled at the sight of one of her closest friends. "Miss Williams, what a pleasant surprise. What are you doing here?"

"I was just meeting with some old friends. I was about to buy some supplies for Shepard's party tonight." She took the seat across from her—the smile she wore never left. "You're coming to it, right?"

Honestly, she would love to spend some quality time with the crew she thought of as a family. Especially after that whole debacle involving John's evil clone. Only someone like him could have such an odd event occur. Seriously, no matter how many times she reviewed the events in her head, she still can't believe it happened. It was like going through an even cheesier Blasto movie. Sadly she couldn't split her limited time.

Chakwas smiled apologetically at the female Spectre. "I'm sorry but I won't be able to. I made a prior arrangement with a friend to help him with a contract for the Alliance."

"Really?" She could hear the disappointment in her tone. "That sucks. Shepard was really looking forward to you coming."

"That's so?" She asked with a forced smile, burying the giddy feeling that was bubbling inside her. She knew it meant nothing but it was pleasant to hear she was wanted by her friend.

"Yeah," she said with a nod. "Speaking of," she leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms with a playful grin. "I didn't know you two were on a first name basis. He still doesn't want _me—_ his girlfriend—calling him John. What's your secret?"

Chakwas chuckled lightly; smiling more brightly than ever before. She was simply happy to have a chance to catch up with Ashley. Not at all because her friend—supposed lover of John—still referred to the Commander by his surname and not his given name like she.

An honor the doctor alone apparently had.

"There's no secret Miss Williams." She slid out from the table, her tone light and has a humorous edge to it. She looked at her friend with a tiny glint in her eye. "John and I are just really good friends."

* * *

"Finally."

She huffed as she sat down on the lumpy backseat of the taxi. She was beyond exhausted, feeling the lovely mistress known as sleep creeping up on her—seducing her with the promise of a much deserved rest. The meeting took a lot longer than what she was promised. An extra four hours to be more precise.

She brought her left hand up, her omni-tool materializing. She checked the time, grimacing from the results. It was currently 0200, which meant she had only a few hours of sleep left before shore leave ended and she needed to report back to the Normandy. What a way to spend her final day before heading back into the storm.

She rubbed her tired eyes, yawning loudly. Chakwas only had to stay up long enough until she arrived at her hotel. Only a half hour away until she could enter dreamland.

The seconds tick and the minutes tock but the arrival to her hotel didn't occur. She felt the fine grain of drowsiness gradually being sprinkled upon her eyelids, getting them heavier and heavier with the pass of time. The doctor shook off the lulling effects of the somnolent drive, rubbing away any residue from her baby blue eyes.

Chakwas opened up her omni-tool once again, seeing that only five minutes had passed. She sighed; she won't last long if she didn't have a distraction. With quick two presses of a button and a swipe of a hand, her inbox of emails came to view. She idly went through them, stifling a yawn. Some were spam that snuck it's way through her filter, while the rest were work related.

Mentally taking notes on to which ones she needed to respond later on in the day when she will be more awake, her eyes spotted one sent a few hours ago from her friend John.

A tiny smile broke out on Chakwas's face reading the subject line.

"Should've Came, huh?"

She snorted a chuckle. Based on her long day she had, maybe she should've. There was an image attached to the email. She tapped the interface and the attachment popped open.

Her smile widened seeing the lovely picture. It was a simple photo, nothing extravagant or using any unnecessary filters that the young James Vega annoyingly used. The core crewmembers—those that had been there since the beginning and the few that joined the cause along the way—were all in attendance. They all huddled together, hugging and posing like a family they all knew they were. Bright smiles on each of their faces with the master thief—Kasumi—being the brightest and cheekiest of them all—who was not so subtly gazing at Jacob's rear. Well, all except for the two resident krograns were smiling—who looked to be quite annoyed for being so cramped up together but she could see they were enjoying the festive air.

One could sense the kinship that could only be forged from harrowing escaping deaths during many battles and comradery from the shedding the same tears, radiated from the picture. Her eyes searched for her John. She spotted him quickly—with him being in the center—comfortably sitting on the sole couch. Chakwas bright smile faltered, threatening to become a frown at the sight of whom he was sharing the couch with.

John had his trademarked cheeky grin played on his lips, showing a bit of his teeth and a twinkling glint of happiness in his eyes. His form lax, leg haphazardly over the other. Arms spread out on the head of the couch, with his right tenderly wrapped around his lover, tugging her closer to him. His lover and best friend, Ashley, had her head against his shoulder with her hand lovingly on his broad chest.

It seemed Chakwas's suspicions were right; they truly made a great couple. Them cuddling with one another with matching smiles reminded her much of a movie adaptation of one her novels she read—having the complete opposite effect that the movie had on her. Her heart ached—a frown overthrew the smile she had before and with it came the ugly dreaded monster known as jealousy.

She closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath. It had barely been a day since she felt she was above the female marine with the honor John granted her. Maybe it was the galaxy's way to humble her and not go against what was decided a year ago.

Chakwas opened her eyes, staring at the image with a thin sad smile. She never saw John and Ashley look so happy in their life. The woman was glad that they didn't let the past mistakes ruin their relationship and eyed the future they could have. The two marines really and truly belonged together, having a special chemistry that she forgot about them having due to not seeing it in some time. Just what she assumed when the news first broke out with their new found relationship years ago.

Seeing them together really placed things into perspective for her.

"I really had no chance, huh, John?" She muttered to his pictured form.

While true, Chakwas and John shared a special relationship, it just could not compare to that of him and his significant other. They were both battle hardened marines, having had to share foxholes to have shed blood to protect the other—all the while she spent most of her career waiting in the comfort and safety of the ship. They both suffered from the long standing effect of being sole survivors of missions that went terribly wrong—while she never knew the gnawing feeling of guilt of knowing you should've died along with your men eating her inside out.

Ashley Williams was someone special and probably was one of a handful of individuals in the galaxy that could truly understand John. Something she thought she did until now. Chakwas didn't hold onto any tiny sliver glimmer known as hope that John would confess his undying love for her. She came to peace with the unsatisfying fact at the eve of their battle with the Collectors. The doctor guessed she just needed to see them together once more with her own eyes to truly set her confusing emotions straight. To put that annoying little voice in the back of her mind to rest.

Her shoulders heaved as she released a long sigh. With a single touch she brought a text box on her omni-tool. She typed a quick reply to the email. She doubted the man was awake to read and reply back.

_Based on the drunken daze of Miss Taylor for Samara and the headlock Vega has Cortez in, it seems I perhaps made the wrong decision. I'll make sure to attend the after party of winning against the Reapers, or—based on how close you and Miss Williams are—your engagement party. Whichever comes first._

"We're here, ma'am." The driver informed.

With a tiny smile she pressed send. "Thank you." She paid the fare and exited the taxi. "Have a good rest of your day."

"You too ma'am."

Chakwas watched with downcasted eyes as the taxi drove off. "I don't think I will..." She muttered before sighing, heading to her hotel room knowing the only thing that waited for her was a cold bed and a few hours of sleep.


End file.
